Chain Emails (Part 1)

I received several chain emails this week. I decided to read them and have a good chuckle. I decided to commentate all of them and this is what I came up with...
(My commentary is in bold and the actual email is not.)

Chain email # 1
Not so secret Secrets about boys
When a boy is quiet ... millions of things are running in his mind.
So I always ask, “What are you thinking?” Usually, it isn't anything really important.
When a boy is not arguing ... he is thinking deeply.
About what, I can’t imagine…
When a boy looks at u with eyes full of questions ... he is wondering how long you will be around.
And wondering if you’ll still love him when he’s gone.
When a boy answers ' I'm fine ' after a few seconds .... he is not at all fine.
Just like girls. Also just like girls, he wont tell you what is actually bothering him unless he truly cares about you. Or maybe that's just gay men...
When a boy stares at you ... he is wondering why you are lying.
Trust me, he can't tell the difference between your truth and lies. When he stares at you he probably doesn't realize he's doing it.
When a boy lets you lay on his chest ... he is wishing for you to be his forever.
It means he likes the comfort you feel in his arms and he wants to protect you forever. That or you were the one who forced him to let you lay there and all he can think is "Get this crazy bitch off of me!!!"
When a boy wants to see you everyday... he wants to be yours 4eva.
You have all the lab notes.
When a boy says ' I love you ' ... he means it.
I mean come on, would he say it if he didn’t mean it? Wait a minute...YES HE WOULD. He would say it because he knows you want to hear it.
When a boy says ' I miss you ' ... no one in this world can miss you more than that.
Nobody at all. Unless it’s you missing him…
Life only comes around once make sure you spend it with the right person...
Here is how you are to find the right one…
Find a Guy…
Who calls you beautiful instead of hot…
If he calls you hot he only wants your body. Beautiful means he truly cares.
Who calls you back when you hang up on him…
And doesn’t do it just to bitch at you for hanging up either. He wants to find out what he did wrong and apologize.
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep...
Not creepily like Edward Cullen or anything, just because he thinks you look adorable all curled up and innocent.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead...
Or your eyelids. Or cheek. Or hand. Don’t trust the ones who kiss you sexually.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats…
Even though you obviously don’t want to go out in public in your freaking sweats.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends...
Because if he seriously thinks his friends would find that weird, he isn’t worth it.
Who is constantly reminding you o f how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you...
Because he is more lucky than anything to have a gem like you.
Who turns to his friends and says, ' That's her!! '
And not in the rude way as if he had just been talking about your huge ass. Nope. He wants to point out the beautiful lady that makes him so special. But let's face it, the only guys that are actually like this are your BFF's/BGF's anyway.

Chain email # 2
Congratulations!!! You have been chosen to participate in the LONGEST and the LUCKIEST chain letter on the Internet! Woohoo. I have been subjected to the MOST UNREALISTIC and STUPID chain letter on the frikkin Internet.
If THIS CHAIN LETTER IS CONTINUED UNTIL THE YEAR2009, IT WILL BE PLACED IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS! Because I totally want to be known for sending an email! All my dreams have come true!
The Kiss
1. Kiss on the hand = I adore you = I am trying to be debonair
2. Kiss on the cheek = I just want to be friends = You accidentally move your head when I go in for it and SCORE
3. Kiss on the neck = I want you = I am a VAMPIRE!
4. Kiss on the lips = I love you = I like you at the moment
5. Kiss on the ears = I am just playing = I have a strange fetish
6. Kiss anywhere else = let's not get carried away = Wait, you don't want to get carried away with the answer or is that seriously what you think it means? You have left no place that would not insinuate dirty behavior if kissed! This is certainly carried away.
Also Haha! You thought I was done!
1. Look in your eyes = kiss me = I must remember the colour just in case she asks me later
2. Playing with your hair = I can't live without you = What shampoo do you use? It's so soft and glossy!
3. Hand on your waist = I love you to much to let you go = I can really look at you from this angle
The Three Steps to ruin your relationship
1. Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him. Really make sure it hurts. It's most effective when he bleeds.
2. Guys: If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good. You probably didn't do anything to deserve it in the first place and you'll know if you did.
3. Guys & Girls: Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare. Then you can imagine you're snogging someone else. It makes the entire experience much more enjoyable for everyone involved.
The Commandments that the skanks do bringeth from thine mountain of stupidity. This is why there are 3 instead of 10
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard. This makes the ketchup bottle get stuck in a squished position and is very difficult to get any more of the condiment out.
2.. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, but take one. For stealing is fun!
3. Thou shall kiss at every opportunity. For a greater chance to share diseases. Remember, sharing is caring and on the plus side, mono is in this year.
Here are a few reasons why guys like girls: Other than basic biology
1. They will always smell good even if it's just shampoo This is a lie. Females can smell just as horrendous as any sweaty man.
2.. The way they call you after you just had a big fight. Also wrong. Girls hold the grudge and she wont forgive until you call first.
3. The way she says 'let's not fight anymore' even though you know that an hour later....Okay that one's true. At this point, break up with the bitch.
4. The way they kiss you when you do something nice for them This does mean you have to do something nice for them first...
5. The way they kiss you when you say 'I love you' Even if they don't realize you're lying!
6. Actually ... just the way they kiss you...Shallow ass!
7. The way they fall into your arms when they cry You really find this attractive? Weirdo.
8. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly "I'm sorry, I should be more concerned with my scuffed shoe than that pregnancy scare. I really shouldn't have cried over it at all!"
9. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt Oh please, if we wanted it to hurt it would.
10. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt.(Even though we don't admit it)! We don't mean it!
11. The way they say 'I miss you' which is usually followed by "What did you get me?"
12. The way you miss them And totally forgot to get them a gift.
13. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore..... Yet no matter what you do, something will piss her off and drive her to tears. Sometimes she will cry over nothing at all.
This chain started in 1997. LOSERS. It is a love chain letter. Really? I had NO IDEA. In an hour you are supposed to send it to 10 people. Yeah that ain't gonna happen. (It is easy, just look into chat rooms and find them.) Because that is totally safe and pedophile free. Anyway, send it to 10 people in 1 hour. Is it just me or does it sound like this is arguing with me? Now here comes the fun part. Whoopdi frikkin doo. You then say the name of the person you like or love and then the person will say 'I love you,' or 'Will you go outwith me?' The magic is in the Internet! NO JOKE!!!!! Uh huh...sure... NOW THE CONSEQUENCES If you break the chain letter, Aw snap! you will have bad luck in future relationships. Come on, that's a given with 97% of the world anyway. If you don't break the chain, then you will be a happy camper!!! AKA Lonely person sitting at home alone reading chain mail all damn day. Once you read this letter you must IMMEDIATELY(meaning within the hour) be sent to 25 people. HEY! You said 10 earlier! After you send it, make a wish Unicorn and it will come TRUE LIES YOU MAY NOT WAIT FOR A CERTAIN TIME TO SEND IT How many ways can you define immediately?........REMEMBER, IT MUST BE SENT TO 10 PEOPLE Gah! Pick a number dammit! WITHIN 1 HOUR, IMMEDIATELY OR YOUR WISH WILL NOT COME TRUE! DAMN PLEASE CONTINUE IT NOW!!!
*WARNING* Looks super official with astrix around it. IF YOU DO NOT PASS THIS ON, SOMETHING BAD Gasp! OR WORSE Worse than bad? Like, super bad? WILL HAPPEN TO YOU This is not even a possibility. It WILL HAPPEN.
*NOTE* THE MORE PEOPLE YOU SEND THIS TO THE MORE LUCK YOU WILL HAVE IN YOUR LOVE LIFE. It will end up being the number of dating sites you are on. IF YOU BREAK THE CHAIN LETTER Scandel! (IT HAS BEEN GOING SINCE 1997) Wow you have no life. YOU WILL HAVE BAD LUCK WITH YOUR LOVE LIFE FOR SEVEN YEARS. And one and a half days. THIS IS NO JOKE. Yes it is.
*BUT* Copy and Paste this email, do not forward It makes the luck go bye-bye! GOOD LUCK!!! FU!!! C'mon Send it on!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! You can't make me!!!!!!!!!!