As a child I gre up with a father that was constantly leaving. He's a pilot and it's always been the same. He'll leave for days and when he comes home, I might not even see him.
When I was a baby, I would scream when he held me. I didn't want to be near him. The only way to shut me up was to give me back to my mom or dip my pacifier in coffee. He would tuck me in when he was home and give me a kiss before he left, even if I was sleeping. If he was gone for more than three days (which he was alot when I was little because he would fly to England and Germany) I would have silent temper tantrums. I would cry and hit things and cry some more. When he went off to training for six weeks I stole one of his shirts. I wore it to bed every night and wouldn't let my mom wash it. I thought I was going to die. I could only talk to him for a few minutes every other night. He went to the hospital and I didn't want to visit him. I hated seeing him in the hospital, he seemed so weak. I wouldn't hug him while he had the infection pump on his side. He smelled like death.
Ever since I was small I have attatched myself to a guy. My sister was even always better friends with guys than girls. There was Seanie before I started school, Carson in kindergarten, first grade was Matthew and after I moved it was Andrew. It was Andrew until third grade when it became Jeff. In fifth grade it was Matt, Jeff, and Nick. Middle school was Matt, Jeff, and Owen. Then it was Cameron. I have now attatched myself to Sam and Mike. I need a male figure to protect me and always be there, something I missed growing up. I only ever wanted someone to hold me tight and never let go. Someone who would never let anything bad happen to me. I was always looking for a boyfriend or something more than a casual friendship. I wanted to open up to them. I'm more prone to trust men with my thoughts and secrets. I don't know why I've never known. There could potentialy be alot I don't know about myself. I just hope I can figure it all out before it's too late.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment